Anger, that is what it is.
I have spent 3.5 years feeling like there is something not right, something in my head has shaken loose because I am different. I am of course aware there are a thousand reasons to have a loose screw since the birth of may daughter, no one can face the challenges I do and not have it screw with their melon a little bit. The day that guy came into the room and told us we were now the parents to a child with special needs, the fight for answers, the daily struggles that make life so much more difficult and the raft of emotions I face on a daily basis, good grief I am surprised more screw have not come loose. I heard that if you accept there is a problem it is half solved, woo hoo I am half way there.
Now I do no talk about my feelings and it has only been since peopel have started printing my articles that i have begun to open up. If I can open dialogue for others by speaking my own truths then that is a good thing. I run a charity and it is my job to help people, if talking like this helps then it is in my job description to do it. I do not want to talk to a professional, I have no problem with those who find comfort in doing so but it is not for me. So I have been self analysing myself, I am sure if I waited I would find an answer to why my head rattles with loose screws and I have. It came to me in the shower, the answer. I am angry, really really angry.
I am not sad, depressed or anything else, I am just angry. As soon as I realised this everything started to make sense and I can now begin to fix the problem and address the issue. I have saved thousands of dollars in therepy costs, I am cured.
Oh, so knowing what is wrong is not enough to cure it?. Bugger. Ok so a little more digging into my head, here we go…
I am angry at everything, yip everything. The list would be so long there would be no point starting to write it so when I say everything I mean it. I have been angry for 3.5 years and I think I am getting angrier, and grumpier and less patient and the many other side affects of being angry. I am not physically showing my anger, I do not punch or yell or throw things around, I just simmer and the simmer is reaching a boil, thank fuck I discovered my problem before things got out of control.
Being angry explains everything, I write about being lonely in this world of raising a kid with special needs, I have written two stories one of which has been shared thousands of times all over the world. BUT, I dont want to see any one and I am pulling further away from my friends and family, yeah I bitch I am lonely but I do nothing about it. I dont want to be around people anymore, when I am I have to work so hard to not be angry and be the guy they expect me to be. Anger seems to be self feeding, one thing makes me angry and I pull away from something that could make me less angry, then I get angry that I pulled away and get angrier and round and around I go. Getting angrier.
I fought the Canterbury District health Board for 3 years to get answers to what they did to my daughter. A few weeks ago the last stage of this battle took place, I had the opportunity to address the entire board to tell them my story and request they made changes to ensure their policies are changed. At the time I felt an amazing feeling of pride, I had fought so hard and I made it to the very top and I had won, David can beat Goliath after all. But now I have no one to fight.
The centre of my anger must be what happened to my daughter, every single time we are having a bad day I get angry at the doctor who did this and the hospital that tried to cover it up. But now I have beaten them, I cannot find a reason to vent at them anymore, where can I direct my anger now?
How can I be less angry?, just stop being angry?
Just stop it, I think the momentum is well and truely underway now flicking a not angry switch is not possible. Maybe I could look for ways to expell my energy, join a gym maybe take up running, or pottery (Unchained melody playing on the background perhaps?). Oh that’s right, I can’t get out of the house for such hobbies, I work, I look aftre my daughter, I eat (if I have the energy) and I sleep. Repeat, and repeat and yip repeat. Maybe I do need some help, someone to teach me how to find the off switch, maybe I need to talk about this with someone who went to uni and knows how heads work?.
Is admitting an issue enough? Nope, I have spent ten minutes writing this and hang on let me check……, stil angry. SHIT!.
Ok, so breath deep and think happy thoughts, that is much better. If my anger is all simmering inside it is ok, I have this under control, I can be nice an dsmile at people, I can engage in soft porn level road rage (no body contact just rude gestures), wow that is a weird comparison. Soon I will find the off switch, I will find the way to switch off the angry and then I can be um less angry? Maybe I will sit on a couch and answer the questions of a trained head shrinker? Maybe I will write this and know that somewhere in cyber world there will be other parents with kids who are a different type of perfect who are really angry, is this not just another manifestation of our worlds, maybe our abnormal in teh real world is ok here, in our place.
I will play with my daughter (she does not know I am angry), talk to people on the telephone (who cannot tell I am angry) and get through this with my partner (I think she is angry as well).
It is ok, yip really it is ok. Not fucking brilliant but ok is better than really shite, I accept mediocre, yip that will do fine thank you.
Now piss off, I am grumpy.