Before her when I thought I knew it all.

I had walked many roads until my feet hurt, or my heart hurt, or my soul hurt. I walked roads that when i reached the end I promised myself I would never walk that way again. This was a false promise, often you realise you must return to some roads to search for what you lost, the pieces of yourself that you left there on the pavement. If you are lucky you may find these “missing pieces” but most often they are gone, lost forever.

Some roads you want to walk again, those roads that were so perfect so very beautiful, the roads of first kisses, first loves or summers that were endless and laughter was a simple as taking a breath. You can try to find these roads and try and walk them again but you will find that there is nothing there anymore, all you will find is your name carved into a tree confessing your love for a girl who is also now gone and a breeze that does not feel as warm on your face as you recalled. The best thing you can do is acknowledge you have walked there and carry the memories close in you. Put these memories so deep in your heart and soul that they will never be lost or left behind on another pavement on another road. Some roads make you forget everything that really matters, some roads will empty your pockets of everything that brought you joy.

Sometimes we choose our roads but often this is another bonus of youth before your journey has already begun to take shape. As we grow our roads become more destined than chosen and this is directly connected to the roads you have chosen already. You can always try and keep your eyes on the horizon, like a fisherman watching for a storm trying to see what is ahead. If you do this you run the risk of not seeing the bumps ahead and you may stumble and fall, sometimes you can spend so much time watching the horizon you miss the ground beneath your feet. Sometimes you will never see what is coming, it will hit you with such force you will stumble, you will fall and you will be knocked so far off the road you will never find it again, you will be lost.

Being lost on a road you have never been to, never ever wanted or expected to walk is the lonliest road. Even if there are others on the road with you the road is still yours to walk alone. Each step will bring you closer to something, if this is something good or something bad is unknown but you must keep walking, this is your road. The footprints of others will serve as no guide, their decisions will not help you make yours but their council will provide options and provide some support.

One day your journey will end, before it does you may be lucky enough to have time to reflect. You will re walk the roads in your mind, you will cry at those you left to soon and grieve for the roads wanted but never taken. All you can hope is that the roads you did take bought you to a destination where you can sit and walk no more. A place where those you love also come to visit on their own journeys. It is only at the end of your journey will you truely know who has been walking it with you.

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In 2011 I became the father to a child with special needs, a different type of perfect beautiful girl to add to my equally perfect (in a normal way) son. As my journey continues I find my best way to vent my feelings good and bad is through writing. This blog is for me to get my emotions out, if this can help another family like mine it would be great. My feelings are not rare in families like mine, maybe someone seeing some of their feelings in my words will make them feel a little less alone. Please feel free to comment or contact me at anytime, I look forward to your feedback. Kelly "Boy" Dugan

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